I wonder if the time that lapsed between today and the last time I was able to tell Terri Happy Birthday weighs heavy on her too. I really can not remember when the last time was other then it was when she and her family was leaving for California. A time in my life I wish I could go back and change. I wish that I could have stepped up to the plate and been the grown up I wanted and thought I was, sadly I wasn't and poof time flew by and many changes took place. Not all changes were for the better either. I not only lost in this one but so did Terri and her family. I'm thankful that we have today and the many tomorrows to come to make wiser choices. I will NOT choose to loose again. I will always put family second to God. I will raise my daughter to do the same too.
Terri I really do love you tons. These are not just words anymore, its the same blood running through your vein that runs through mine and Alexis. No changes made in this world could change that. I pray you too long for that. I need you to feel the security that God gives me each and every day. I hope I am just that.
Love your Lil sis Boo
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
It's been some time, but I'm still here.
It's April 13 already and each new year I make plans of new changes and then find myself almost half way through the year with no changes made yet. :-( The story of my life I think.
Well some new changes will happen this year. We have until July 7th when we have to be out of our house here on Gun Lake that we have called home for so many years...20 to be exact. The last 10 being the greatest....we had Alexis.
Sometimes I look back on the past 20 years and get caught up in thoughts and find myself turning my cheek and focusing on today instead of yesterdays. It's not always easy.
Someday I may never look back.
Love you all so very much!
Me
Well some new changes will happen this year. We have until July 7th when we have to be out of our house here on Gun Lake that we have called home for so many years...20 to be exact. The last 10 being the greatest....we had Alexis.
Sometimes I look back on the past 20 years and get caught up in thoughts and find myself turning my cheek and focusing on today instead of yesterdays. It's not always easy.
Someday I may never look back.
Love you all so very much!
Me
Monday, August 31, 2009
Say my name....can you hear me?
I have your number so your just a call away. I'm stopped by fear of the unknown wondering if I will recognise your voice. If it takes me back many years ago as if time stood still just for you and I. Could we be that lucky? Can we get back to the beginning as if we were never apart? I wish it were that easy and maybe it can be. Can we really overcome what brought us apart? I pray often that one day we can stand face to face. Will I see the same face as I last seen you or the now aged face and realize all the time I've lost with you?
I want to have it all and while I wait for it to happen I'm afraid I may move to fast. I don't want to mess this up but please forgive me when I become overwhelmed with feelings of wanting you. I have dreamt of this day many times with many different outcomes. In my dreams they have always come out to my benefit. I know that was a natural experience for any dream but now were in the here and now and so I wonder what the outcome is to be. Did you ever dream the same dream? Did we connect in your dream as well?
I have loved you for many years. Will that same love be enough for us? Can you see me? Am I the same person you remembered? Will all the fears fade away once you hear my voice or will it take seeing me to wash all that away? How can I help you out? How can I assure you that my words are the truth. How can I make you understand that time never changed the way I feel for you. I may have walked many miles with you no longer on the tip of my tongue but you have always been in my heart. You have always had my heart.
I look forward to when I make the step to call you and hear your voice again. I have gone too long without hearing it, will it be as I remember. I sit still and listen and I can hear your voice calling my name. Soon it wont just be a memory but reality. Still its taking that first step. You have and now its my turn. Don't give up on me. I am there. I have always been there. I dream often and in my dream we've had many talks. In my dreams we haven't been apart. Did you dream the same dreams?
When I look into your eyes I will then know that no time in the world separated my love for you, and when you wrap your arms around me I will know that your love is too, still there.
I love you more then you can imagine!
Deb
I want to have it all and while I wait for it to happen I'm afraid I may move to fast. I don't want to mess this up but please forgive me when I become overwhelmed with feelings of wanting you. I have dreamt of this day many times with many different outcomes. In my dreams they have always come out to my benefit. I know that was a natural experience for any dream but now were in the here and now and so I wonder what the outcome is to be. Did you ever dream the same dream? Did we connect in your dream as well?
I have loved you for many years. Will that same love be enough for us? Can you see me? Am I the same person you remembered? Will all the fears fade away once you hear my voice or will it take seeing me to wash all that away? How can I help you out? How can I assure you that my words are the truth. How can I make you understand that time never changed the way I feel for you. I may have walked many miles with you no longer on the tip of my tongue but you have always been in my heart. You have always had my heart.
I look forward to when I make the step to call you and hear your voice again. I have gone too long without hearing it, will it be as I remember. I sit still and listen and I can hear your voice calling my name. Soon it wont just be a memory but reality. Still its taking that first step. You have and now its my turn. Don't give up on me. I am there. I have always been there. I dream often and in my dream we've had many talks. In my dreams we haven't been apart. Did you dream the same dreams?
When I look into your eyes I will then know that no time in the world separated my love for you, and when you wrap your arms around me I will know that your love is too, still there.
I love you more then you can imagine!
Deb
Thursday, July 2, 2009
It's a big BIG house.....
Thats a song by Audio Adrenaline but thats not the big house that I'm talking about. I'm talking about the big house that I have lived in for the last 19 years.
The house sits on a nice (Joy)ful RD :-) with many families who came and gone and the few that have been here almost as long as us and even fewer that have been here for life. I've seen many changes go on not only with the face of the houses but in a couple cases I've seen a fire take one down and another was taken down just to rebuild the same house but a bit bigger. I have made friends and lost friends either by a move or divorce. No matter how much time passes the one thing that stayed the same is life changes daily. You may think that life is same Ole same Ole but really everyday is a change...it just depends on how you look at the day.
I look back to my time on this lake from the first days here to the last days here and although I had a blast with fishing (my all time FAVORITE outside activity) and even got to for a short time rekindle a relationship with the person who taught me how to fish my Grandpa. I got to bring him here from a nursing home for a time to which he was able to share with me once again his love...making peanut butter cookies. The hard work he put into making what I thought was the best cookie ever made on earth I found out could be made so much simpler with the 123...1 cup sugar, 1 cup peanut butter and 1 egg. He died before I was shown this easy way otherwise I would have clued him in on this unless he already knew but insisted on taking time out with the kids to show us how one baked cookies. I am a mother now and I have skipped the whole thing and showed Alexis the simple way and nope its not the store kind either. :-)
This house went through some changes while we were here. Not only have we done the 3rd floor we also redone the outside. We took in people to live with us a few times and the last being my mom. If I have ever learned any lesson it was the one that when there are two woman in one house its HARD. To play a double role at the same time was real hard for me. I was my moms baby and yet I was the woman of the house. How to be both takes a real special person or a selfish one. Whatever one I was it only lasted so long. The time came when it was the best thing for our relationship that she leave the house. I needed to stand up by myself and I would never know if I could if she kept caring me every time I whimpered that I wanted something. My mom sure was good at giving to me and I was even better at taking. It seemed like she had the world by her hands and yet she was going out of her way to make sure that I had what I wanted plus....while doing this she was bowering money to make it all happen. WHY didn't she just say NO. WHY didn't I see that I was draining her daily with my little wants. I love my mother, she no doubt did the best she knew how to do with all her own failures she endured throughout life.
As good as life can get living on the lake, it got even better. Satan had his way with me here for MANY years. I have fallen many times in sin and from drinking. I've slid into the deepest hole here when it came to sin....all areas of it. I'm not proud, but I am proud that God never gave up and continued with me until I finally seen the light. Even then when the light was shining I had a foot still dipping into sin. I longed for things I couldn't have and the things that I could have that was just waiting for me I took my time with. I'm glad I chose the right way. Gods way is not the wrong way ever. He showed me this when He blessed me with Alexis. I was so happy that she was mine and yet could not believe that a person of my sinful ways could be blessed with her. She sure has been a blessing and above. I wish my mom was here to see what an awesome child of God she is but its soothing to know that we'll be together again soon.
Alexis is going on 10 and has had a nice time out here on the lake but even she is looking forward to the new change. This is such a big house and its time for another family to come in and fill it up. Create new memories here and enjoy the lake. For us, we had good memories and some I'd like to forget but none the less take with me the things that have change me and molded me into the person who I am today.
I look forward to the place God brings us to, where ever it is. I hope some day He takes me to SOUTH AFRICA to a little village called Dixie.
Love ya tons!
Me
The house sits on a nice (Joy)ful RD :-) with many families who came and gone and the few that have been here almost as long as us and even fewer that have been here for life. I've seen many changes go on not only with the face of the houses but in a couple cases I've seen a fire take one down and another was taken down just to rebuild the same house but a bit bigger. I have made friends and lost friends either by a move or divorce. No matter how much time passes the one thing that stayed the same is life changes daily. You may think that life is same Ole same Ole but really everyday is a change...it just depends on how you look at the day.
I look back to my time on this lake from the first days here to the last days here and although I had a blast with fishing (my all time FAVORITE outside activity) and even got to for a short time rekindle a relationship with the person who taught me how to fish my Grandpa. I got to bring him here from a nursing home for a time to which he was able to share with me once again his love...making peanut butter cookies. The hard work he put into making what I thought was the best cookie ever made on earth I found out could be made so much simpler with the 123...1 cup sugar, 1 cup peanut butter and 1 egg. He died before I was shown this easy way otherwise I would have clued him in on this unless he already knew but insisted on taking time out with the kids to show us how one baked cookies. I am a mother now and I have skipped the whole thing and showed Alexis the simple way and nope its not the store kind either. :-)
This house went through some changes while we were here. Not only have we done the 3rd floor we also redone the outside. We took in people to live with us a few times and the last being my mom. If I have ever learned any lesson it was the one that when there are two woman in one house its HARD. To play a double role at the same time was real hard for me. I was my moms baby and yet I was the woman of the house. How to be both takes a real special person or a selfish one. Whatever one I was it only lasted so long. The time came when it was the best thing for our relationship that she leave the house. I needed to stand up by myself and I would never know if I could if she kept caring me every time I whimpered that I wanted something. My mom sure was good at giving to me and I was even better at taking. It seemed like she had the world by her hands and yet she was going out of her way to make sure that I had what I wanted plus....while doing this she was bowering money to make it all happen. WHY didn't she just say NO. WHY didn't I see that I was draining her daily with my little wants. I love my mother, she no doubt did the best she knew how to do with all her own failures she endured throughout life.
As good as life can get living on the lake, it got even better. Satan had his way with me here for MANY years. I have fallen many times in sin and from drinking. I've slid into the deepest hole here when it came to sin....all areas of it. I'm not proud, but I am proud that God never gave up and continued with me until I finally seen the light. Even then when the light was shining I had a foot still dipping into sin. I longed for things I couldn't have and the things that I could have that was just waiting for me I took my time with. I'm glad I chose the right way. Gods way is not the wrong way ever. He showed me this when He blessed me with Alexis. I was so happy that she was mine and yet could not believe that a person of my sinful ways could be blessed with her. She sure has been a blessing and above. I wish my mom was here to see what an awesome child of God she is but its soothing to know that we'll be together again soon.
Alexis is going on 10 and has had a nice time out here on the lake but even she is looking forward to the new change. This is such a big house and its time for another family to come in and fill it up. Create new memories here and enjoy the lake. For us, we had good memories and some I'd like to forget but none the less take with me the things that have change me and molded me into the person who I am today.
I look forward to the place God brings us to, where ever it is. I hope some day He takes me to SOUTH AFRICA to a little village called Dixie.
Love ya tons!
Me
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I Loved you then and I still LOVE YOU NOW!
Have you ever had those times when you wished you could have just another minute with them? Do you get that feeling just for a sec to look a tad bit harder to see if you can see past the pain? Has the pain blinded you or opened your eyes? Have you ever second guessed the what ifs? Does your mind run through an old version of your time but with a different outcome as you once remembered but just as painful nonetheless. It doesn't matter how many times we replay that same movie, it still comes out the same way in the end. Only this time you had your minute again, not once but several times. Viewed in every angle possible. Are we/ am I just trying to rewrite life in order to make sense of the outcome. Funny how when I reflect back on things and even do it in the way I would love for things to have gone, I can only go so far then there is just a blank space. I try to fill it in with what ifs, but just like any other day in my life the what ifs are just that. See, Gods plan I can see the whole picture. The good, the bad and the ugly. I can look back on the realness of my life and see growth and during the growth I can see many falls and even failures. I ask God often if He would open the book to my life and give me a little peek as to the whys and how come, just so I can understand the "big" picture vs the here and now....and the before that keeps playing in my head. I see out of all the play backs I have done in my dreams during the night to the times I am swept away for a moment brought on by the most simplest thing, that I still can not achieve what I thought I wanted or needed. All I can do is let it be known how I feel and allow God to do what He had planned out to do way before I was even born. As I wait I continue to pray, that those who walked into my life to those who just walk out, will desire the same ending and that would be a servant of God's.
I love you, I always have and always will. God gave me free will to choose, thank goodness He wrote the book. Know that I am here, keep looking and when the time is right take that step toward me because I have been walking towards you for a very long time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, God does.
I love you. Look into my eyes and say my name and you will feel me deeper then you knew you would or could. You still know me, you always have and always will.
Hold on tight, its been a long ride.
Me
I love you, I always have and always will. God gave me free will to choose, thank goodness He wrote the book. Know that I am here, keep looking and when the time is right take that step toward me because I have been walking towards you for a very long time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, God does.
I love you. Look into my eyes and say my name and you will feel me deeper then you knew you would or could. You still know me, you always have and always will.
Hold on tight, its been a long ride.
Me
Thursday, May 28, 2009
What Bible book am I?
Hosea
You are in touch with the pain of rejection and this puts you in touch with God. You remain faithful though others do not remain faithful to you. In this way you are like God and it is a benefit to you, though it is painful. Because of this experience you have a message to communicate of God's love - and also of the judgment that will come if we refuse to know God.
I took this test on facebook and was kinda surprised at the answer. Am I really in touch with the pain of rejection? Does being in touch mean that I accept it? My bloodline holds the ability to walk away with no looking back, some would call this being VERY cold. My mom was able to do this as was her fathers family I am told when searching out the Carpenters. I think the Pierce side also has that ability. My dads side was not a close knit family either. Wow I have a double whammy of this, no wonder I am good at "Not Caring" or caring to my best ability and even then its from a far distance.
My sister Terri has more of this blood running through her then I. She has for herself allowed herself to put that shield of protection on where as I can at times look from underneath it and wonder what if, even for that split second before going back under that protection. I peek out for the soul purpose of wanting to make sure that above all that each member of my family and those that I once loved and for those who will be forever entwined within my soul have found that security in God that I have. That through the most inner self hate or torment one can put themselves through either by anger or feeling worthy of the way they act or react to life issues thrown there way because you know the saying....unless you have walked a day in MY SHOES. Let me just tell ya something...we all wear shoes just for me its been a whole lot easier going without socks. You walk life's path with the protection of shoes and yet you experience the rough road without the comfort of socks cushioning the load.
My faith in God allows me to get through daily life with its own ups and down not because God is my cushion, I don't want life to be cushioned at all. That would make me become lazy in my walk with God. God is my focal point....I Look forward to the promise He has given us, given ME. I can pray daily for those who came into my life at one point or another who helped mold me along with God's love through the Holy Spirit within. Every person from the most non liked to the most loved that forever touched my heart was placed there by God Himself because as I have just learned, not one person in life nor Satan himself can change the destiny that God planned out for me. I have accepted my long journey so far, I wonder what else God wants to share with me during our walks. Whatever they are, I know first hand that He knows the outcome so I have FAITH that everything will be just fine.
I love you guys! I pray your walk with God is just as fulfilling as mine is. Life really could not be any better except for the day were all home.
Deb
You are in touch with the pain of rejection and this puts you in touch with God. You remain faithful though others do not remain faithful to you. In this way you are like God and it is a benefit to you, though it is painful. Because of this experience you have a message to communicate of God's love - and also of the judgment that will come if we refuse to know God.
I took this test on facebook and was kinda surprised at the answer. Am I really in touch with the pain of rejection? Does being in touch mean that I accept it? My bloodline holds the ability to walk away with no looking back, some would call this being VERY cold. My mom was able to do this as was her fathers family I am told when searching out the Carpenters. I think the Pierce side also has that ability. My dads side was not a close knit family either. Wow I have a double whammy of this, no wonder I am good at "Not Caring" or caring to my best ability and even then its from a far distance.
My sister Terri has more of this blood running through her then I. She has for herself allowed herself to put that shield of protection on where as I can at times look from underneath it and wonder what if, even for that split second before going back under that protection. I peek out for the soul purpose of wanting to make sure that above all that each member of my family and those that I once loved and for those who will be forever entwined within my soul have found that security in God that I have. That through the most inner self hate or torment one can put themselves through either by anger or feeling worthy of the way they act or react to life issues thrown there way because you know the saying....unless you have walked a day in MY SHOES. Let me just tell ya something...we all wear shoes just for me its been a whole lot easier going without socks. You walk life's path with the protection of shoes and yet you experience the rough road without the comfort of socks cushioning the load.
My faith in God allows me to get through daily life with its own ups and down not because God is my cushion, I don't want life to be cushioned at all. That would make me become lazy in my walk with God. God is my focal point....I Look forward to the promise He has given us, given ME. I can pray daily for those who came into my life at one point or another who helped mold me along with God's love through the Holy Spirit within. Every person from the most non liked to the most loved that forever touched my heart was placed there by God Himself because as I have just learned, not one person in life nor Satan himself can change the destiny that God planned out for me. I have accepted my long journey so far, I wonder what else God wants to share with me during our walks. Whatever they are, I know first hand that He knows the outcome so I have FAITH that everything will be just fine.
I love you guys! I pray your walk with God is just as fulfilling as mine is. Life really could not be any better except for the day were all home.
Deb
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