Feelings....thoughts....reality...

As the waves come and go I am forever being challenged with overcoming the sickness I feel inside of being torn from one side to another. You would think that each wave is the same as the last but trust me they are all different although some may look alike. I can tell ya the sickness is getting much easier but I think its because I'm getting colder. It's like being on a ride at the fair and instead of focusing on the spinning you focus on whats right in front of you and you don't notice the spin. I don't want to be cold. I want to feel warmth from inside. I long for the day its nice outside so I can soak up the sun. I am not one to lay out, I have no patients for the heat of any kind but I do want to be swept up by the seduction of the warm sun and cool breeze that touches deep to the bone. I want to feel. I have forgotten what its like to just feel. I want to be caressed, to feel secure in the arms like a new born baby has with their mother. I want love. To be shown love and to give love. Not the same ole same ole distant words that easily fall from the lips as easy as the common breath is to take. If a picture can say a thousand words what can a thousand words say? A man said you can't climb a smooth mountain.....I didn't train for a mountain. I pray and pray and sometimes I feel it falls on deaf ears, I know this is untrue. It doesn't stop me from feeling that way though. I laugh and live but never cry. To shed a tear over this seems unworthy. Have I tried hard enough? Too hard? Do I hold on to the unknown harder then the known? Is there such a thing as back to the future? God sees my heart. He knows where I am at and where my heart is. Will He grant me one day? I ask often, until then I wait. I laugh and live and never cry. I'm growing colder. I pray for forgiveness. How many times do I forgive I ask? "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Daily I do as You say.
I been on a ship thats been out to sea for a very long time. The rocky waves have built me up and also have torn me down. I thought I knew who I was, am I a better person now? I long for the day I can just be me. I can be seduced by the warmth of the sun and wrapped tightly in the arms of the wind. Then I will exhale my last breath and be yours.

Love you all,

Deb